she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
