well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
