he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
