If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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