oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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