Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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