you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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