OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
