I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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