thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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