i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
