How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
