I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
