you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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