Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
