Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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