"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
