im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
