oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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