I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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