if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
