i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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