If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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