apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
