I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
