I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
