whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
40s are totally the cure
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
