seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
