I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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