you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
