I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
