There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
