Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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