i just wanna soil my oats bro
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
