Cold hands, warm shart.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
