What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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