Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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