You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
