I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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