I puked a lego.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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