I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize