If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
