Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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