There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
