1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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