bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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