you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
