she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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