I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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