I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Watching her eat just hurts me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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