Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
