I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
