Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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