Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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