Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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