true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
