I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
