Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
