I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
