If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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