i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
