There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
