Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
