C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
