I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
