were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is Oprah even human
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
