I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
