i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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