1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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