So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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