You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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