My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
