I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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