youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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