Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
