I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
