Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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