You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
